River City Ransom- Know Your Foes!

Okay, so truthfully, most of the bad guys in River City Ransom didn't have a lot to differentiate themselves from each other. The only difference between most of the gangs were their names, shirt colors, and the amount of punches it took for them to knock you on your ass. Regardless, nothing like a little game guide to follow in your plot to win this game.


THE GENERIC DUDES
A.K.A.: The Light Blue Light Weights
Members: Barry, Cary, Gary, Harry, Jerry, Larry, Perry, Terry, and the ever-incongruous Ralph
Gang slogan: "Oh shit, it's them! Run away- DAMN! The programming won't let us! Oh shit OW! OW! OW! BARF!"
Gang colors: Light blue
Typical monetary holdings: 50 cents per member
Typical fighting moves: Dying

The Generic Dudes were never an imposing lot, choosing mostly to rely on their highly marginal skills with Whacking Sticks and Karate-esque in lame attempts to take down their foes. But it wasn't always that way. ...Oh, who am I kidding, it was. The only things fueling their attempts at victory were hypnotic psychiatry sessions instilling a desire to never follow the instinctive 'flight' measure, a sense of false bravado from having seen too many Rambo movies, and the fact that they're underage for buying booze to make their myriad of problems die in the bottle.

THE FRAT GUYS
A.K.A.: Craze In The Haze
Members: Biff, Clark, Grant, Skip, Trent, Trip, Tyler, and Logan
Gang slogan: (with heavy slurring) "Yeeeeeeah... Wiii th' boooze in me I kin do annnything... Uh oh... Comin' up... Mamaaa!!!"
Gang colors: Pink
Typical monetary holdings: 55 cents a head
Typical fighting moves: Retreating

Snobby. Elitist. Drunk. All are words that have been used to describe these collegiate miscreants. Their mode of attack is a tricky one. Preferring to fight the unfair fight, they'll fight like maniacs with a weapon and often try to beat feet when they don't. Not that many have to worry; their loud, pointless, constant shouting and screaming leaves even the amazingly slow enough time to find a way out of the area before they even appear in the flesh.

THE JOCKS
A.K.A.: The S-3: Strong, Stupid, Steroid-ed
Members: Brad, Curt, Dirk, Jake, Lance, Matt, Mike, and Nick
Gang slogan: "Class of '89 RULES!"
Gang colors: Light green
Typical monetary holdings: 60 cents in offside betting earnings
Typical fighting moves: Slowly lumbering around

It's hard to tell exactly what possessed these high school sports stars to get into the 'hood scene. They already had the women, no one gave a damn about their grades, and they were on top of the world. It has seemed that their natural air of cockiness and their overuse of steroids have mixed in their brains to influence their decision. Strangely enough, for all the steroids they have taken, they are utterly pathetic foes; possibly, the steroid overuse has destroyed their brains and caused so much overmuscling to the point where they cannot run.

THE HOME BOYS
A.K.A.: The Homeys with the 40s and no 9s
Members: Bob, Brady, Chip, Doug, Ernie, Greg, Peter, Robby, and Steve
Gang slogan: "Bitch, get off mah turf!"
Gang colors: Yellow
Typical monetary holdings: 75 cents in assorted 'bling bling'
Typical fighting moves: Cracked-out punch

The Home Boys, a group of wannabe ghetto 'thugz', is one of the older (albeit minorly so) scourges of River City. Their love of fast cars, loose women, enough bass to make certain major earthquakes seem more like hiccups, and of course, 'bling', has led them to what seemed to be a fairly remote place for gang activity. Unfortunately, they were pretty much usurped into Slick's myriad of gangs about a month after their appearance. This could be part of the reason why they are mostly a pathetic group of wannabes yet still hold a fair amount of cash on their persons. Their habitual abuse of crack interferes with their fighting, as well- in their attempts to use comboes of more effective moves, their brains keep shorting out and they keep forgetting that they have already thrown an opening punch.

THE MOB
A.K.A.: The Unrefusable
Members: Lefty, Louie, Marco, Max, Mouse, Sid, Tony, and Vinny
Gang slogan: "Yeah... You ought gonna wish you nevva messed with us, mah friend..."
Gang colors: Gray
Typical monetary holdings: 90 cents in blood money
Typical fighting moves: Since cement shoes were unavailable, they have migrated to the use of concrete-esque tires

NO ONE has any idea how Slick got the mafia influence necessary to bring the mob to River City. Nevertheless, it has seemed that they are here to stay, or at least until Slick leaves. It is advisable to watch one's back around them, yes, they may all have fallen prey to your fists, but be forewarned that it could come back to haunt you if you beat up enough members and play the game for extended periods of time- it will allow their bosses to come in from New Jersey and mutilate you in a series of drive-by shootings. They can be recognized by looking for the tires they often carry, and the bad puns they make upon smashing peoples' heads in with it, usually to the effect of 'ah, you must be TIRED' or something of that nature. (note: this and other puns do not appear in the game)

THE SQUIDS
A.K.A.: A Bunch of REALLY Pissed-off Nerds
Members: Berni, Byron, Erwin, Felix, Herb, Howie, Linus, Monty, and Waldo
Gang slogan: "Why are you calling me the namesake of a known ichthyoid? Well, what in the names of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking does that have to do with intelligence?"
Gang colors: Dark red
Typical monetary holdings: One dollar in well-invested mutual funds
Typical fighting moves: Boring to death via scientific lecture

They always said 'it's the quiet ones you gotta watch', often before getting mauled by loud people who wielded blunt instruments. With this group of crazed, psychotic nerds, they were right. Having spent too much time surrounded my emptiness that could only be filled with electronics, and due to the blackout Slick intentionally started a week ago, they finally snapped due to lack of companionship and began attacking everyone they could find. Be forewarned, their 'nothing to lose' mentality, coupled with their hidden psychotic tendencies, makes them a gang to fear.

It is worth noting that they were the only gang smart enough to NOT appear for another round of ass-kicking in the remake.

THE INTERNATIONALS
A.K.A.: Los Hombres Del Muy Malo
Members: Akbar, Andre, Boris, Fuji, Hans, Juan, Lars, Wang, and Yemi
Gang slogan: "ˇPáreme el preguntar de donde está la biblioteca maldita!!" (Translation: "Stop asking me where the damn library is!!")
Gang colors: Dark green
Typical monetary holdings: $1.10 in traveler's cheques
Typical fighting moves: Various martial arts from around the world that all inexplicably mirror yours

Having grown incredibly disgruntled by random morons constantly speaking broken forms of the assumed native languages of its members, and then causing their brains to deconstruct in desperate (and ultimately vain) attempts to decipher the words of others, the more volatile amongst the exchange students finally lost it and began their assault on the populace at large. What with their brains in the said deconstructed state, they are not very aggressive, but can hit quite hard. Just try to hope that you don't see a fist to the face when you hear the enraged, vaguely accented voice coming from some guy in green.

THE COWBOYS
A.K.A.: A Whole Mess O' Trouble
Members: Bart, Bubba, Duke, Dusty, Jed, Like, Merie, Shane, and Slim
Gang slogan: "Yippee-ki-yay!" (Back in the time the game spent in development, 'Die Hard' had pretty much just came out, so the next word in this phrase was omitted)
Gang colors: Dark blue
Typical monetary holdings: $1.20 in golden nuggets
Typical fighting moves: Whacking away with an Ugly Stick

Despite River City's probably considerable distance from Texas, a bunch of cowboys somehow managed to make it over and start fighting the bad fight. It is not entirely clear why their main attack method involves sticks, given the wooden stick's lack of resemblance to anything resembling a Remington shotgun or a rope lasso, but with it in their hands, caution is still to be taken. With a whoopin' and a hollerin', they can still hogtie your ass faster than their tractors back home lose oil, assuming that they are given a fair chance to do so. Even though a wooden stick is incapable of tying anything up.

THE PLAGUE
A.K.A.: The Zombie Precursors
Members: Blaze, Edge, Mooky, Slash, Snake, Stick, Sting, and Tonto
Gang slogan: "YOU WILL BE UNCLEAN!"
Gang colors: Red
Typical monetary holdings: $1.25 found in the wallets of the newly-infected who just didn't make it
Typical fighting moves: Infection via rusty steel pipes

The Plague are an interesting bunch. Their main mode of attack is to run up with rusty pipes and attempt to give people tetanus through the cuts the rust causes (there have been rumors, mostly from a tall guy with a red jacket and baseball cap who remains unidentified as of yet, that they carry the Motaba virus, but this has proven to be false as of this writing). Failing that, they then proceed to attack as if they themselves are infected with something, and THEN whack away with the rusty pipes. A detox kit is recommended for those who encounter this gang, and the River City Poison Control Line is a good thing to memorize.


Let's go back to the turf of the River City Ransom page.

I'm going to the video game page, is what's up.

I have lost all of my desire to return to anything less than the main page.