No. Do NOT insert coin. Run. Run far away.

Most people, when you ask about the worst beat-'em-up ever, will answer something along the lines of 64th Street. I don't think this. Not simply because I thought 64th Street was okay, but mostly because there are far, far worse beat-'em-ups. Actually, I'll just give you the one you came to read, not quite the absolute bottom of the barrel as far as the genre goes but pretty close. I give you- Riot City.

No you cannot get this picture through any means in this game.

If you're wondering exactly why I have an anime girl picture above you, let's just put it to you this way. What follows will shock and scare you. You can use the given immunization, trust me. Let's face it, when your main characters, the characters who you have no choice but to keep a CONSTANT eye on throughout the ENTIRETY of the game, look like THIS-

Meet Paul. Note his Kenshiro-esque pose. Note how he somehow manages to invert his level of cool. Meet Bobby. Just be glad you haven't seen his walking animation yet.

-we got some problems. The game itself doesn't fare much better but I could spend hours laughing at both your guys and the enemies alone. Despite what anyone tells you about this game, the fact that enemies can throw attacks that take all of a hundredth of a second to execute isn't what makes this game difficult. It's the fact that everyone looks so friggin' idiotic that you will not wish to keep your eyes on the screen for any more than a few seconds at a time. Let's get biz-zay with that important work as to explaining WHY.

Guess who's Hung.

Hung/Chan/Huy : Having seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a total of 2,834 hours and leering at Kagari from 'Adventures of Kotetsu' for a similar amount of time, I picked up on the fact that people who know martial arts tend to be fairly dangerous. Somehow, this guy is not. I mean literally, he's the weakest enemy in the game, and when your competition includes fishermen and cowboys, he should be pitied. And also, 'Hung'? I don't give a shit WHAT nationality this guy is supposed to be, you don't name your kid Hung and spell it out in English unless you plan on having him get into the exciting field of X-rated cinema.

Enemy coolness points: 0
Dangerousness: 0
Fear of karate practitioners after this guy: Nonexistent

I pity this foo'!

Burt/William/Rick: You wouldn't think that an enemy that looked like Mr. T could suck so badly. YET HE DOES. He's somewhat dangerous, as unlike Hung, he actually throws a punch every once in a while. Also, his outfit just seems WRONG. Personally, I deem it a bad idea to wear a tight half-shirt when you're male and your pectoral muscles look far more like Yuki Umemiya-sized breasts.

Enemy coolness points: 1
Dangerousness: 1
Mr. T shame points: 257,245

Someone call the plastic surgeon, and not that guy on 54th street who works next to the bar.

Hans/Harry/John: Captain Hooknose here is probably one of the more distinctive enemies. He wears both stripes and polka dots ON THE SAME DAMN VEST, partially short/partially long pants, and a tube top. For gosh sakes, I would look better than this guy if I somehow got drunk and walked into a thrift store with three bucks with the goal of making a complete outfit. Aside from that though, this guy is bizarrely dangerous. Perhaps being made fun of by the rest of the enemies is cause for this. Let's put it this way, any guy this little who can smack you pretty hard JUST BY JUMPING INTO YOU is not to be trifled with.

Enemy coolness points: -5
Dangerousness: 8
Length of nose: 7 inches

You'd think this would have led to more arcade cabinets with shotgun shells in the screens.

Billy/Jim/Terry: I have found the missing link, and this guy is it. It's probably best left unasked WHY his arms are longer than his height, and why he feels the need to rub his man-boobs if he decides to sit (think Yuka in a leather outfit if you wish to get rid of this mental image). It's even stranger than how he must weigh 200 pounds, but still jump into the air roughly 25 feet, stomp on your head, and cause no more than maybe 10% damage.

Enemy coolness points: 0
Dangerousness: 1
Likelihood of body type existing anywhere else: 0

It's said that if he kills Paul, he gets a real football shirt.

James/Bill/Roger: No, I don't know how his arms got like that. I'll just go with the usual sports standby of lots of steroids and a few too many unchecked arm breaks. Note the obsessive-compulsive way that his shoulder pads are perfectly parallel to the top and bottom of the screen. This means nothing. It's just more graphical prowess by the makers of this game. Do I even need to get into his attacks?

Enemy coolness points: 2
Dangerousness: 4
Stereotypical football attacks: 2

Watch him punch! Watch him chop! Watch him do it for a full minute 'fore you drop! (rhyming score- 0 points)

Jack/Antonio/Jose: El Gringo De Super Biggo, despite looking fairly imposing, somehow manages to, I dunno... Not live up to his appearance. That said, he's one of three enemies in the game with whom my initial reaction is NOT laughter. Or at least unless you're staring at him TRY to strike an intimidating pose before he changes from 'guy in background' to 'guy you fight'. THEN you may laugh all you please.

Enemy coolness points: 4
Dangerousness: 2
Confusing stats (out of speed and strength): 2

Gotta love a gang that doesn't discriminate against one-eyed militiants.

Eddie/Edward/Rod: Well, finally there's an enemy who manages to both look fairly cool and fight fairly dangerously. So I guess I can't make fun of his appearance. So I guess I should try to rationalize a military guy with an eyepatch being named Eddie or Edward or Rod- nope. Can't do it.

Enemy coolness points: 8
Dangerousness: 8
Names appropriate for this guy: 0

Coolest enemy I've ever seen.

Sammy/Cain/Daniel: I take back what I said, this guy somehow manages to be one of the coolest enemies I've ever seen in this type of game. I don't know WHY the idea of fighting a guy who looks like a cross between a fisherman, Peter Fox, and my uncle Robin just seems so cool, but it does. Plus, any guy who looks like a random guy on the street that kicks more ass than a military dude? Automatically the coolest enemy in the game.

Enemy coolness points: 50 billion
Dangerousness: 10
Bait shops visited in past week: 3

Graphics: 2 Decent backgrounds, but honestly. For only having 8 enemies in the entire game you'd THINK they could make them look decent. Okay, an extra point for Evil Fisherman Sammy, but that's it.
Sound: 5 Surprisingly good music, I admit. Too bad the voices in this game are roughly eight times as loud and much less good (assuming you've got MAME32 0.74). Just let yourself listen to the sound test and nothing more.
Gameplay: 1 The gameplay isn't any better than the graphics, more need not be said.

Okay okay, so I haven't talked about it once- here's an idea- you have absolutely no new non-boss enemies after stage 1. All of your attacks can be interrupted. Your special move takes off life depending not on whether you hit, but HOW MANY enemies you hit (even though it hurts non-bosses a LOT, you can lose up to one-quarter of your life if you hit seven guys). ALL enemies after a while absorb insane amounts of punishment before dropping. You get no weapons. The game itself is boring. The only thing it's good for is the sound test.
Character design penalty: Minus 20000 points When I was seven, I used to have about the worst drawing skill of any human alive. When I can confidently say that my drawings from back then are far better than 90% of this game's sprites, believe me, it's one helluva insult.
Strange flukes in the ROM: 1 I don't know how or why this is triggered, but sometimes the ROM just quits on me after a certain amount of time. Seeing as I am usually, for some reason, trying to beat the game, I guess my computer is a whole lot smarter than I am.
Proctologist visits by main characters: 1 Just LOOK at Bobby's walk animation, and leave it at that, okay?

Actually, he looks like Jaws from the old Burger King Kids Club. Maybe this was why I recall him being in a wheelchair.

I'll thank you for the heads-up by going to the rest of the reviews.

I need Yuka pictures to cheer me up. Main page.