(Note to the reader: This is the English version of this review. The rapspeak version is linked back to below, that is to say, once I do it.)

There are times when video game companies- ones you thought were quite competent and highly capable of putting out some good gamery- simply have massive brain farts. I want to believe that this is the reason why Sega actually green-lit this pile and yet somehow managed to put out Streets of Rage 2 not long afterwards. I mean, at least with Riot City, I could believe that Westone was responsible for most of the problems, but here... no. All their doing. Anyway... Even though I don't want to, mostly because this means I have to actually play through this once more so that I can get all the pictures I need, let's talk about this game.

I do give this game points for not sticking to cliches as for as the storyline goes. From the looks of things, a crazed pimp has planted a bomb in an amusement park. ...Okay, so it explodes before the game even starts and seems to cause no visible damage. Actually, I have no idea what the point of the whole rest of the game is. You mostly get to go through a few locales you don't normally see in beat-em-ups, then a bunch more that you DO, and then one more that I'm relatively sure was only seen in Combatribes, and every so often you run across a guy who speaks one line of broken English directly before attempting to end your mission, whatever it may be, for reasons that I'm sure make a lot of sense to them, because they sure don't to me. I'm kind of at a loss as to how a clearly Hispanic guy with battle clubs, Bruce Lee, some biker girl with a mace, Token Breakdancing Black Guy, a shirtless redneck trucker, the before-mentioned pimp, and Takeshi Kitano are all in cahoots. Likewise, I have my doubts that ANYBODY is the slightest bit aware as to how an ancient kung-fu master, a wrestler and a kickboxer joined up with a cop who looks like a damn billboard with all the badges and logos on his bomber jacket. But such are the forces of evil and the forces of good in this game. This may be personal opinion here, but I could pick together a better team for either side simply by throwing darts into a crowd and recruiting whoever I impaled, including the people I accidentally killed in the process.

However, let's face it. Nobody plays beat-em-ups for memorable characters, or plotlines that make the slightest bit of sense. Nope, you play these things for the gameplay. You play these because you want to bust some teeth in without the police getting involved. You play these for the smug satisfaction you get knowing that you've singlehandedly brought down about one hundred people ON ONE QUARTER. You play these because damn it, it's a frickin' rush.

D.D. Crew provides pretty much none of this gameplay I speak of, and as a matter of fact, I'm willing to rescind my belief that video games are not likely to cause violence, because anyone playing this for more than ten minutes WILL get the urge to kill somebody over the wasted time and money.

First off. This I consider to be a fairly major thing. See, when I'm standing right next to someone... And I throw my fist right at them... I like to think that I will hit the guy.

Most of the time, you throw a punch, or whatever the hell your character feels like throwing because there's no such thing as a straight-up combo in this game (you have about four attacks a guy, and said guy will randomly pick the move to throw into the enemies' spleens), you often MISS. Even if you are right next to your foe and it seems like it's obvious your attack connected. YOU MAY VERY WELL MISS. Even if you hit- even if you land many hits in a row! Your enemies don't stun quite like most. You see, unlike most beat-em-ups, where a stun means you have the enemy pretty much at your mercy, it is only the case in D.D. Crew if your character bothers to throw the ONE attack he has that will hit the enemy in his hunched-over position. Even then, it's just as likely that he'll suddenly get his second wind and bust you in the jaw for about 40% of your life (yeah, enemies are a bit overpowered in this game). Do remember- you can only hit one enemy at a time. Thus, if you have more than one enemy on the screen at a time, even if you get lucky beyond comprehension with your attack structure, a second enemy can just come up to you at any time and send you reeling onto your poorly-dressed ass. Bear in mind- D.D. Crew LOVES to send four enemies at you simultaneously.

Oh yes, you also don't have this 'grapple' thing that is seen as a relatively commonplace addition to this sort of game. Instead, your throw is about as busted in execution as your normal attacks. See, first... That's right, this is a multistep process... You must SOMEHOW knock your enemy down. THEN you have to move your idiot character over to the enemy. THEN you have to hit the attack button to lift him up. THEN you have to hit it again to chuck him around. At least it's the only move in the game that can possibly damage more than one enemy at a time.

And don't get me started on how YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SPECIAL ATTACK THAT YOU CAN USE WHEN YOU'RE SURROUNDED. Also, don't get me started on your running attack. Not only do you have to hit BOTH buttons to execute the attack, if you connect with the enemy in the one second's worth of windup (not exaggerating here, 'fraid to say) it takes to execute the attack, YOU TAKE DAMAGE. You're better off just running up to the enemy and using the same ineffective moves you've always been. That's somewhat like a football player running forward at a linesman and then standing still and attempting to knock him down by throwing out his hands.

But... there is hope for the heroes yet. See, you can jump. And where there is jumping, there is kicking. And where there is jumping and kicking, you have instant knockdown almost every time. Note I say 'almost'. Every other beat-em-up ever made pretty much equates 'jump-kick' with 'instant knockdown'. D.D. Crew will equate 'jump-kick' with one of the following things, aside from being the ONE move you have that is guaranteed to hit if an enemy is in your way.
-Attack too soon: Go into jump-kick animation, clearly bust enemy in the groin, somehow enemy stays standing and tends to whop you one.
-Attack too late: Bah. Jump-kicking is for wimps. Enemy stays standing and tends to whop you one.
-Attack somewhere in-between: Jump-kick, one enemy tends to greet the pavement with his ass.

I'm aware that you're a rather smart bunch of readers, so I'm sure you're way ahead of me on this- even if your jump-kick must be somewhat well-timed in order for it to do what you want, it's the only way to survive against the shitty collision detection in this game.

Okay... Hm, I NEVER thought I'd be done complaining about the gameplay failures (wait, I may as well mention that weapons are useless too). On to the next problem area. The graphics. The backgrounds are, for the most part, functional. They aren't good, they aren't bad, but at least you have the gist of where you are. The sprite designs... Well, let's just say that you'll probably believe these guys turned bad because they were shunned from society thanks to their unbelievably bad fashion sense. You have-
-Fatass in ugly overalls who looks like a hairball with clothes. The one in the purple can jump on top of you, miss 99% of the time even if they clearly landed on you, and only do 10% damage even if they do.
-Balding moron wearing what looks like an open vest and gym pants, holding a knife in an absurdly uncomfortable position. By the way- this guy makes up about 65% of your foes.
-Weirdo in tank top, what's either a top hat or a fedora, and ugly pants, wielding nunchucks.
-What I believe to be hippies in karate gis.
-Bearded guy in guerilla uniform- with a gun- that he never, ever fires.

As far as I am aware, this is about all you see in terms of normal foes in this game. That's right, there are more unique BOSSES than unique enemy sprites. This begins to really sink in on level 4. See, in level 4, you're on the world's biggest fire escape. On a three-story building. You have to beat what feels like forty people before the game lets you move down a floor (by the way, I'll be getting to the music in a few moments, but around the 563rd time the soundtrack spouted 'clap your hands' during this sequence, I was considering doing so to my brain while shouting 'WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF!?'). I fought Knife Freak what felt like 80 times during the horridly slow descent (why my guy couldn't just jump to the street- earlier in this same stage, he's blown down twenty stories by the pimp's bazooka, onto rooftop, and sustains no damage- is beyond my reasoning). One last thing about the graphics- for as ugly as everything is, it's... often very well-animated. Enemies will flip backwards when knocked down, Karate Hippie has a well-made rolling front-kick, and all of your guys have a strangely detailed run animation.

I'm starting to feel bile rising into my neck, so I'd better end this quickly. The music in this game is sort of odd. It's got this whole 1990s rap feel to it, but it's like it's trying to play three different songs at once half the time. So half the time you're tapping your foot (until you've listened to the same song for 15 minutes), or you're wondering whether the volume control still works. Oh, all the voices sound completely busted and terribly-accented, too.

All right, that's enough of that. I'm sick of reviewing this thing and I've given you the basic idea here. This game sucks, don't play it, and if you ignore my advice and decide to play it anyway, I will consider you a retard.

...I should have just saved myself two hours and said that in the first place. I guess I could use a witty analogy though. If you're feeling safe and away from people who can cause you grief, click below.

So, just how much does D.D. Crew suck?

Graphics: 4 Absurdly well-animated... yet you wouldn't want to see one frame of a lot of these people.
Sound: 5 I guess the music is pretty good... But trust me. You will eventually feel the sting about ten minutes into any given stage.
Gameplay: 0 I would rather fight Kazuo Kiriyama bare-fisted than play this a third time. That's. Saying. A LOT. I do not feel like going into the reasons again.
Bruce Lee Conspiracy Theories: 1 The second boss in this game is clearly supposed to be Bruce Lee. For some reason, bad fighting games have this tendency to try to include him as a character (Double Dragon 3, anybody?) My theory: In 1992, the governments of America and Japan were trying to piss the deceased Bruce Lee off so badly that he would eventually revive himself from sheer rage and become the ultimate bioweapon. As far as I know, this has yet to actually happen.
Cliches of Bad Beat-Em-Ups Adhered To: Too damn many In addition to the Bruce Lee thing, I'll just provide a couple more.
-You fight every boss in the game, in the same sequence you fought them before (luckily you at LEAST get spared Bazooka Pimp), on the last stage.
-You rely pretty much entirely on jumpkicks to get anywhere in the game.
-I feel like I have to review the friggin' thing.
Questionable Pictures Used to Display a Correlation: 1 You saw it earlier.

You tricked me. I thought this was a hentai game. I demand to see the other game reviews.

You censored the Sayoko lovin'. I must view more anime boobie to compensate.